mystery Doesn’t the whole concept of “self-help” ignore a fundamental aspect of being social animals? When dogs or elephants are in trouble, don’t they look to others for help? What are we even doing here? Anyways. Here’s 8 steps for self-helping your suicide ideation below.
Disclaimer: If you are my daughter, my daughter’s friend, or ANYONE under the age of 15… you should probably not read this. Like super inappropriate.
Does your mental health crisis require an alternative to therapy, positive affirmations~, and a suicide hotline worker who makes you feel even worse? Well, then this article is for you! Welcome to the ultimate survival guide for getting through another day.
Sure, society might judge you, but you’ll be alive! This might ruin your relationship with friends and family (if you have them), but that’s an entirely different conversation. If you’re lucky, you could be one of those high-functioning addicts… where only your significant other knows how much of a mess you truly are. Joking. We can all tell.
If you’ve correctly followed step 1, you may now be addicted to nicotine or weed. This addiction may pose a challenge to your survival if you have access to a balcony. To ensure that you do not kill yourself today: when you find yourself on a balcony, avoid looking down! Keep your eyes focused straight ahead, preferably looking off longingly into the distance.
Yes, your problems will still be here when you wake up, but that’s not the point.
Stuffing your face while watching something on your screen of choice can be an effective measure to deal with suicidal thoughts. Will this coping mechanism have a negative effect on your health in the long run? Possibly. Will you end up hating yourself even more afterwards? Potentially. But for our goal of procrastinating suicide, it works. When in doubt, repeat this mantra out loud, “Tomorrow is tomorrow’s problem.“
Your fantasy life does not have to be realistic or attainable. Remember, the goal here is to put off dying. I personally like imagining that I am a 5’3” generational talent in the NBA, successful movie star or an adorable cat. If you’ve previously been in a relationship, feel free to daydream about some alternate universe where everything worked out and you didn’t drive them away with your unresolved childhood trauma.
If you’re still lucky enough to have people who actively care about you, this step may exacerbate them eventually getting tired of your shit. If you have already successfully pushed away all your loved ones, venting to absolute strangers on the internet also works. Reddit is a great place for this. Yes, your problems will still be here when you wake up, but that’s not the point.
Depending on where you are in your journey, this step could help prolong your social connections (and overall employment.) If you’ve begun isolating from others, complete this step by pretending you actually like being a loner.
Be warned, however, that your shitty feelings will eventually catch up with you. Also, you will walk around with this overall icky sensation, but you won’t know why.
:)
If you relate with my fucked up sense of humour, check out my book I Want to Die But It’s Friday. Or not, idk.